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Who are the couple absolutely key to a successful wedding? The bride and her mother of course! This relationship is usually crucial in the whole build-up to The Big Day - but it can also be the most fraught. Our three mother and daughter teams tell all.
'She was the mastermind': Georgia and Veronica
Georgia and Johnny married two years ago at a register office in Oxford shire, followed by an open-air ceremony, designed to reflect their different religious backgrounds. The reception was held in a marquee attached to a country pub known locally for its good food.
Georgia says:
'Johnny had proposed to me on my 30th birthday and I told my mum about five days later over dinner. I had no doubt that this would be extremely good news, and that she'd be very pleased and excited. She burst into tears, I cried too and Johnny laughed.
'That night, I don't think she slept very much. When we came down late next morning, various lists had already been done. This is something she would only do once in her lifetime and I'm sure she wanted to do it right. She's very organized, creative, diplomatic and industrious. She quickly became the mastermind, while Johnny and I were far more laid-back.
When you take full responsibility for something - as Mum did - you obviously want to move things along more quickly. We, on the other hand, were notoriously ponderous and indecisive - and she was very sensitive to that. She'd say, 'Have you made a decision about...?', where another mum might have shouted: 'PULL YOUR FINGER OUT!!'
We discussed every aspect - from the menus to the table settings to the speeches to the types of food. Mum knows what it takes to make people feel very comfortable and how to make an event beautiful - both visually and to give it meaning.
'It was the first time the pub had done a venue of that scale (Kate Winslet later used the same pub for her own wedding reception!) so Mum had to collaborate with all sorts of people, looking at the plan of the marquee, how people would sit (Johnny and I were very particular that we wanted long tables, not round ones) and trying out all the food. She got the flower arranging organized locally too, we didn't even use a company.
'Mum and I designed my dress together. We went round loads and loads of shops and didn't find anything. But when we did find a dress in a department store I quite liked, a friend I had sneaked into the changing room did some drawings and measurements and Mum and I basically re-designed it. We spent endless days looking all over for materials and antique lace.
'I don't think it all brought us closer, because we are close anyway. It was just our relationship working properly. On the big day, we were extremely pleased with everything and didn't feel any disappointments. But I realized that I was knackered, mum was extremely knackered - and Johnny was in his element!
'We share one small regret: that we didn't get a chance to sit down and be quiet together. I also regret not making a speech. It would have been about her and our relationship, a chance to thank her publicly. But I hope she's aware of how grateful we are to her. The fact that, for Johnny, it was the best day of his life is thanks, and a lot of people have said it was the best wedding they've ever been to.
Georgia's mum, Veronica, says:
'There was a shock element to Georgia and Johnny's announcement. Not a surprise that their intentions towards each other were so serious, but that they were getting married. It was a delightful surprise - a very joyous occasion, and very moving.
'We had to think about organizing straight away because the planned date was only about three months off. And the more they talked, the more I saw the scale of what had to be done and knew we had to get into top gear at once.
'I'm slightly more practical than my daughter! I'm a teacher too, so I'm quite well organized. I don't think, at that stage, that Georgia and Johnny quite understood what was involved and how they wouldn't get the sort of wedding they wanted simply by picking up a phone! But I loved the preparations. It wasn't fraught, just very busy. We had lots of nice times doing it all. Getting the wedding dress Georgia wanted was a major achievement because we couldn't find the right material. It involved a lot of shopping and choosing and looking, which was very pleasurable.
'With Johnny being Jewish, we had to take into account those sensitivities and we didn't want to impose any Christian rituals that neither of them really subscribed to. We were disappointed in some of our clergy, who were rather unyielding, we thought. That was a frustration.
I was also frustrated about the invitations. Georgia insisted on doing them herself, there was a long delay, and then I'm afraid they didn't come up to my standards. I had to insist that we started again and I don't think that went down very well! In the end, the invitations were very sweet and beautiful and she was pleased with them.
'The general consensus was that everything came together beautifully on the day. It had a momentum that was really creative - lovely things were able to happen without everybody feeling they were regimented.
'My only regret was that we weren't able to have a mother-to-daughter chat. I wasn't able to get philosophical and pass on any wisdom in that time-honored, ritualistic way. We could have done with a moment that was just us.'
'My highlight was the actual moment when they were signing the register, because they were so sweet and beautiful and loving and private and together as a couple, whereas for the rest of the day they were on show. I just thought they were both so special.'
'I've only got one daughter' Jane and Angela
Jane and Andy married in 1994.
They chose a church wedding in Jane's home village, followed by a reception in a nearby hotel and conference center.
Jane says:
'I never discussed marriage with my mum before getting engaged. I knew that she'd be really happy if I did, because she is very much part of a generation and a class for whom marriage makes sense of relationships. And she is a committed Christian too.
'Andy had been asking me to marry him for a while, but I wavered. One day I rang Dad to talk to him about it and asked him not to tell Mum because I didn't want her to be disappointed if I decided not to. So when we went over to their house to tell them, Mum still had no idea. She was totally taken aback for a minute, then utterly delighted and excited. She got the Champagne out and, within half an hour, her entertaining/organization instinct had kicked in.
'I think part of the reason she was so happy is that she gets on really well with Andy and could see that he would be a great husband in terms of 'looking after me'. Later that day, Mum persuaded us all to go round and look at some reception venues, which just seemed hilarious. Only that day did it sink in that I was engaged.
'My parents were very clear that the ceremony was up to us, but once we decided to go for the trad bit, mum organized virtually everything. She'd had a big traditional wedding and I suspect she used that as a blueprint. It ended up as a very big event and it was a great party, all thanks to her. Mum would ring up and ask me questions, such as what wine would you like, I'd answer them, and they'd be sorted. Maybe now I'm older I'd have got more involved, but at the time it was so surreal.
'I doubt I appreciated at the time how stressful the organizing might have been for Mum, though she never appeared remotely stressed. The only mistake she made was the photographer. We knew the photographer was the opposite of what we wanted, but Mum had gone to the effort of meeting her first, and didn't react well to our misgivings. If I were to do it again, I might take more care. Who wants to be lined up with the groom's family? No one. Who wants to be drinking and socializing? Everyone.
'Mum came to a lot of wedding dress places with me and was very patient when I hated them all. I wouldn't have dragged anyone else round to such appalling places!
'Yes, the wedding brought my mother and me closer. She so clearly wanted us to be happy and so clearly was herself. I liked the fact I was making her happy.
'I think Mum enjoyed her bit of the attention on the day. We just had a really good time together and there's a snapshot of us with our arms round each other at the reception and we look really close. I can remember feeling I was so lucky to have her as a Mum.'
Jane's mum, Angela, says:
'My husband and I didn't have any set ideas about the wedding. Both Jane and Andy have very strong personalities and they knew they wanted a big party for all their friends. They decided to get married from our home and use the village church - Jane said that if they were going to do it, they would do it properly.
'It was a very exciting time. Everything had to be done in consultation with Jane, and why not? It was her day. Jane would say what she wanted and we went along and got it sorted out.
Jane had in her mind exactly the dress she wanted. We had two or three outings and didn't find one that was absolutely suitable, so she looked up a maker of bridal gowns in London and asked me to go with her. They talked for a long time about necklines and trains - I was so pleased she'd finally found someone who understood what she wanted. It was a very simple dress, with details on the cuff and around the bodice.
'I think she was disappointed with her photographs - it was a lovely morning, but later we had hail and sleet and snow, so really there were no pictures. After the line-up they had some re-taken. There are some very nice pictures and a friend gave us all a video of the wedding. I know Jane had said before she didn't want one, but it was a great success.
Jane asked me if I'd wear something plain, which I'd planned to do - a very plain suit in a hyacinth blue, and a lovely big hat. She borrowed the pale blue frilly garter that I wore for my wedding - it was something old, borrowed and blue altogether.
'When she walked in with her father down the aisle and Andy was waiting for her, it brought a tear to my eye. I could see they were a bit nervous and that made me feel very maternal.
'Jane rang me up quite early next morning to say thank you and what a lovely day she'd had. She'd also left a little letter tucked on my pillow - just to say thank you in advance, in case she forgot on the day!'
'We didn't have any rows - we had a lovely time, we get on very well. My parents had been generous at our wedding and I wanted her to have the same. I've only got one daughter and I really enjoyed seeing her so happy.
'Not at all like my wedding': Melissa and her mother
Melissa and Gary enjoyed a large-scale Jewish wedding in North London, with a reception at the same venue, a former cinema. They've been married for less than a year.
Melissa says:
'I told my Mum I was getting married by satellite phone from a cruise ship. She sounded very pleased and excited (and perhaps relieved?). We didn't discuss plans on the phone (as it cost £10 per minute!!) but waited till I got back a week later.
'Mum and I didn't have very different ideas about how my wedding should be, although I think I wanted it to be larger than she did. In the end, I got what I wanted - with 280 people, it was almost too large!
'Mum and Dad did most of the arrangements while I was at work, but during the weekends, I did a few things and made some phone calls from work. I never felt that Mum was taking over, but we did have a couple of - not very serious - rows. One, about the venue and two, when we wanted real Champagne and not sparkling wine.
'I'm very close to my mum anyway, but I suppose the wedding did bring us even closer. I think she was panicking a bit that I was nearly 30 and not married. So when I got engaged she was especially happy - also because she likes Gary so much.
'I think my wedding meant a lot to Mum because she wanted to see me settled down. She looked stunning on the day, very cool, calm and collected. I felt very nervous and excited and very proud of my family.
Melissa's mother says:
'Melissa phoned home to tell me her news on 13 April from a cruise ship, 'Majesty of the Seas'. I was very pleased, as I'd been hoping for this for some time. Both of us knew at once the type of wedding it would be - religious and in a large venue.
'As soon as Melissa came home, we started to look around. The venue, in fact, was our only real disagreement: I was thinking about local places and Melissa was thinking of something in the West End. In the end we found a beautiful venue that was just as smart as a West End hotel, so this was a compromise, I suppose (although the cost was also like a West End venue!). The only difference was that you were allowed to use any caterer you wanted, rather than be tied to those at the venue.
'We divided up the rest of the jobs, but I did most of them. I helped to choose the dress, although, to be honest, the ultimate choice was down to Melissa. Luckily, I really liked it too! It wasn't at all like my own wedding; I had no say in mine at all - it was all up to my parents.
'The wedding day was very exciting. I thought Melissa looked beautiful. It was a very happy occasion, but also nerve-wracking and overwhelming. I felt very apprehensive. But to have my daughter settle down meant a great deal to me, especially as it's with someone whom I feel is very suitable. I felt very proud of her.'
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