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For better or worse... Worried that your grand passion will dwindle once you've committed yourselves till 'death do you part'? That responsibility will drown the fun? Or that things are just so perfect now, any change has to be bad? Relax. Yes, marriage will change your relationship because, like everything else, relationships are always open to change. But change needn't be a bad thing - it can be a creative, positive force. Certainly the figures bear this out. Despite the fact that there is less pressure than ever for people to marry - and stay married - marriage remains popular. Some 56 per cent of men and 53 per cent of women over the age of 16 in England and Wales are married and about 300,000 people get married every year. Even the divorce statistics mask a positive story. After all, it's easier than ever to end a marriage - and yet 60 per cent of marriages work. Not only that, but the vast majority of people who divorce still choose to re-marry. Why marry anyway? People marry for all sorts of reasons. For most, it is because they are in love and want to share the rest of their lives with their partner. Some may also feel the need for a certain security. 'If you're married you stick with it through thick and thin,' says Sally, married for three years. 'The commitment bolsters it in some way.' Most people marry because they want to make a public commitment too. 'I was surprised how important the ceremony was,' says Nicola, a recently married 31 year old. 'People don't often take time out to talk to each other about their relationship, never mind publicly. For my partner to do that made me more certain of his feelings for me, even though I thought I was certain before.' Changing perceptions Many newlyweds are surprised how marriage changes the way other people see them. "Other people's attitudes to you change quite positively,'" says Joanne, 33, who married earlier this year. "We seem to be seen as a socially acceptable unit now, which carries with it a perception of solidity. It reflected where I was and made people's perceptions and our reality merge. I was very proud to say 'Mrs.' It does feel like fitting in." Other newlyweds say that the fact that their relationship is legal makes them more comfortable with their life. "It isn't an 'ownership' thing, but it's about having rights," says Johnny, 25 and married for two years. "If one of us died, we would be recognized as closest relatives. I feel more comfortable with that - that we're legally recognized." The long-term future may suddenly make an appearance in your lives too. "After marrying, we began making plans for the future," says Julia. "I mean the far-off future - when we're retired - and all the things we'd like to do together then. Somehow we'd never dared to do that before we were married." The first year of marriage After all the euphoria, things can still sometimes seem like an anticlimax after the big day. After all the excitement of planning the wedding, being the center of attention and the recipient of everyone's good wishes, don't worry if things feel a little flat. It's only natural. The first year of marriage is a time when you learn to live together in a way that suits you both and make sense of what marriage really means. It is probably a year when you say goodbye to fantasy land, and uncover your own pre-conceptions about what married life is like. For instance, one newlywed couple who had lived together before they were married and happily shared the household chores, suddenly found that the woman was taking on responsibility for all the cleaning! Once they noticed the change, they realized they were acting out their subconscious expectations, and promptly reverted to their pre-married arrangement. Some of the main factors that may affect you in your first year of marriage are: Leaving your family Moving house Learning to live together Planning for the future Money Expectations of marriage Loss of freedom Falling back down to earth Falling out of being 'in love' A new kind of love Yes, people do have to come down from the heady 'in love' phase sooner or later. Falling in love is so powerful a feeling; it can be compared to the 'buzz' of drugs or alcohol. But just like any high, it can't last, and some time or another, you will move out of the 'in love' phase into a different kind of love. If you hadn't expected this, you may confuse the re-emergence of reality with some sort of problem. It isn't. A common worry people have about marriage is that their sex lives will change for the worse. For couples still in the 'can't-keep-our-hands-off-each-other' stage, a relationship with less frequent sex might be hard to contemplate. A related worry is that the social sanction of being legally married will somehow destroy the edge of excitement. But according to those in the know, there's no reason why marriage has to affect sex adversely. "When you know someone inside out, you have the chance of building a sex life that is much better in quality than it was before," says Sarah Jennings, author of 'The Relate Guide to Better Relationships'. Communication's the key to a great marriage Even the best marriages go through difficult patches. Life moves on and people and circumstances change. Whether these changes will strengthen or weaken a marriage will depend on many things, but change itself is inevitable. If your relationship didn't change, how could it accommodate the changes in your lives? The experts all agree that a good marriage is a creative, developing partnership and that the key to this is good communication. It might sound easy, but many highly articulate people find it difficult to express clearly what they feel or want from a marriage. "Couples should go into marriage with open eyes," says Denise Knowles, a Relate counselor. "Things that were once taken for granted, such as starting a family, need to be discussed before marriage so that future scenarios don't come as a total surprise. People need to think what they can give to a marriage as well as what they can expect from it." With this in mind, here are some questions to ask yourself - and each other - before getting married: What are both your expectations of marriage? What was your parents' relationship like? Is that a pattern you want to follow? What are your attitudes to children? Do you want to have them? How would you react if you had to move to another part of the country or even overseas? How important is sex in your relationship? Do you have the same attitude to money? Do you have similar aspirations? Do you get on with each other's families? Are you prepared to become part of another family? Alternatively, you could try our compatibility test. Love is what lasts Don't forget that the bottom line of every marriage is love and a large part of love, however weedy or obvious it might sound, is really liking each other. If you love being together, enjoy each other's company, respect each other and are prepared to work together for your shared happiness, you stand an excellent chance of being that old couple wandering along the shore, hand in hand and deeply in love. "Getting married is the best thing I've ever done," says Caroline, who's just celebrated her tenth wedding anniversary. "Over the years, our relationship has been through many stages. But always it becomes stronger." "In the end, even our problems have strengthened us. I really believe we love each other more now, and are more accepting of each other's faults."	Tips & Articles Q & A's, Helpful Facts Planning & Worksheets
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