Help! I've got two dads

Complicated family situations can have a huge impact on wedding preparations. Here stepfamily expert Claire Salisbury offers advice on what to do when you've got a dad and step-dad to fit into your big day.

Families these days come in a variety of shapes and sizes, and it's hardly unusual any more to find yourself in the position of being a member of more than one. This, of course, usually means having more than one father too, which can make planning a wedding especially complicated.

But just as families no longer follow the traditional model, nor do weddings have to. Whatever the permutations of your family situation, a little creativity and imagination will give you the day of your dreams...

Who pays for the wedding?

Of course, it's traditional for the brides' father to pay for the wedding. But where there is a father AND a stepfather, it may be that both agree to contribute.

One family I know solved the payment issues by listing what was wanted and agreeing between them all who would pay and be responsible for what. There was a further rule: no one should feel pressured to spend more on anything than they wished. This meant that, although everyone had to accept each other's tastes, it also became a real joint event with all parties glad to be involved in the planning and excitement.

In a family with two fathers, however, there may be too many tensions to work this out amicably. An increasingly popular option here is for a couple to pay for their own wedding. This then leaves them free to plan a wedding fully centered on their own wishes. You may find that parents and step parents would like to contribute anyway - perhaps paying for the cake, or the dress - but to solve arguments, it's best to accept such an offer with the proviso that you and your partner have final say on the sort of cake or dress etc chosen.

Who goes on the invitations?

Although formal tradition has it that invitations are sent from the wedding hosts, you are, of course, totally free to word your invitations as you wish. Often nowadays, couples send out invitations themselves.

In a family with two fathers, invitations can be an especially sensitive issue. Sometimes a clash can occur if, say, your father wants to put himself and your stepmother on the card, leaving your mother feeling left out. This can leave you with the unpleasant feeling of split loyalties.

The important thing here is to remember that your families' arguments have nothing to do with you. You may need some courage to tell everyone what you want and how you feel. But remind them - and yourself - that this is YOUR day.

Another way round the issue is to put both families on the invitation. The wording then might be:

'Mr… (Bride's father) and his family, and Mrs… (Bride's mother) and her family, would like to invite you to their daughter's wedding to...' It may look a bit of a mouthful, but it means that everyone gets to be included.

If my father comes, my mother and stepfather say they won't. What do I do?

In any family, the build-up to a wedding is a time of anxiety and change as well as one of excitement. Old arguments can re-surface and you may end up feeling that it's suddenly up to you to resolve all these tensions.

The more everybody is able to put their grievances aside and discuss arrangements amicably, the better. If they can't do this, however, here are some other possibilities:

• Insist on inviting everyone you want and make sure that they all know that YOU would like them to be there even if THEY decide not to come. The rest is up to them.
• Invite neither party. If this seems like the only possible solution, do it and don't feel guilty. Remember that time does not stand still, and if someone is offended by your arrangements they are unlikely to hold it against you forever, particularly if you keep talking about it.

One groom-to-be, Barry, felt that he could not invite his father's family to his wedding without inviting his mother and stepfather, but knew too that they would not ALL attend. So he had a small wedding with close friends only invited.

Afterwards the couple held two separate parties for different families and friends.

Who gives the bride away?

For many brides with two Dads, the issue of 'being given away' is perhaps the thorniest one of all. Here, it's especially crucial to be true to yourself.

If your stepfather brought you up, then you may want him to give you away - or if they both agree, then why not both your father and your stepfather? There's nothing to stop you. Alternatively, as one bride I know did, you could choose your mother!

If, however, you don't want to be 'given away' at all - an increasingly common choice: after all, you are your own person - then you could walk up the aisle with a friend, or even on your own.

How do I organize my top table?

If you're having meal with a top table, then both father and stepfather should have a seat. Don't sit them next to each other unless you're sure their relationship is good enough.

If a traditional top table looks unlikely to work, then you could opt for small tables; perhaps with no seating plan, or planned seating only for older guests. You will then be able to circulate and talk freely to everyone, without anyone feeling offended that they haven't been given their rightful place in the pecking order...

My overall advice? Accept your family as it is and keep talking! If you are flexible and inventive, this will be a great opportunity for everyone to create a unique and satisfying wedding. And, as with the most successful weddings, your diverse family may actually be brought closer together as a result...